“You're Fine, But You're Simple" (On Dating the Dull & Uninformed)

During this current season of The Mindy Project in the episode entitled “Sk8ter Man” Mindy begins dating a skater in an effort to prove that she’s not a judgmental person.  Now, don’t get me wrong the man is fine. Sadly he is also an utter buffoon. At one point in the episode, Mindy shrieks. “My body is attracted to you body but when you speak my brain gets angry.” I nearly died laughing. But in all seriousness it got me to thinking about how we choose relationships and companions. I thought about how draining these relationships can be if we solely base our interests off of the physical attributes of the other person. I’ve been on a few dull dates with a delicious looking gentleman who only wanted to discuss himself. He droned on and on about something that could have been explained in three minutes. My interest in the man quickly waned, and visuals of his biceps couldn’t incite me aback on a date with him. I soon began declining his invitations out.  

But what if you don’t decline? Can you be so in lust with someone’s outer appearance that you can carry on with a romantic relationship with them despite the disparities in intellectual interests and conversation?  I’m not saying that you have to discuss the merits of Fouquet and all that (quite frankly I still don’t get it), but you should be able to have stimulating conversations that range from debates on the best pizza in the city, to museum experiences, articles and so forth.

I was further reminded of this point a few weeks back. As I glanced about being nosey, I observed a couple. A woman scolded what I assume was her boyfriend from 125th street to Columbus Circle (59^th street) like he was a child. The train was extremely crowded like it always is during rush hour, and instead of holding on to a pole this man (who was well over six feet tall) thought it was appropriate to lean against this much smaller woman. Every time the train stalled he stumbled, nearly knocking her over which in turn knocked everyone else surrounding them off kilter. He whined every time she told him to hold on (he was 30 years old at least!!). I along with everyone else on the train was flabbergasted. If you’ve gotten to the point in your relationship where you have to treat your significant other like a five-year old, I think its best that you let go and find yourself an adult.

I thought about the train couple as I went thru the rest of my day.  I shuttered to think about the type of conversations that they had on a regular basis. Why was she forcing herself to deal wit this type of situation? It has to be exhausting. Not only can you not have an intellectual conversation, you also have to play someone’s parental figure. I acknowledge the fact that we are society plagued by superficial outer appearances, but at what cost? Being with someone who is fine but simple won’t do you any favors in the long run. 

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxoxox

Why Dating is An Activity and Not A Status

A perpetual lack of communication seems to be the downfall of many relationships, and mostly it’s because we seem to be getting off on the wrong foot to begin with. There’s hooking up, then there’s dating and then there are relationships. These are not one in the same, but for whatever reason we have deluded ourselves into believing that they are. So let’s save one another some heartache and confusion and define these terms, or stages if you will.

Hooking Up

This is basically your friends- with -benefits type of situation. (Disclaimer: I’m 99% certain that this never works. Someone always catches feelings and it nearly always ends poorly).  Hooking up is all about the physical, getting a warm body for the night. This is literally all that it is an all that is should be expected to be. If you are hooking up with someone, you should expect that you are not the only one playing this position at night.  I personally wouldn’t recommend “hooking up” because there are too many diseases, too many fertile people, and quite frankly life is waaaay to short for BAD SEX.  (How many times have you actually been sexually satisfied with a random?) In case you missed the signs, “hooking up” or being in a friends-with-benefits situations means that you are SINGLE.

 

Dating

Now dating is a little different. Dating involves getting to know another person while participating in activities. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but sitting on a couch in someone’s apartment does not a date make. (You could have stayed in the comfort of your own apartment if you were going to sit up and watch Netflix.) But here is where dating gets tricky. Just because you are seeing someone and enjoying your times with him or her does not mean that you are in a relationship with that person. Relationships mean exclusivity. While dating you are free and clear to date however many people you would like. In fact, it is highly recommended.  Get out there and meet a few people. You will learn what you like and what you don’t like. In doing this you will learn what your deal breakers are in relationships and also, what qualities you most desire in a partner. Most importantly, you will learn a lot about yourself.  I’ve heard so many people distraught when thy found out the person they were dating was dating other people. … Ummm, yes they are suppose to be dating other people and quite frankly, so are you.  Assuming that you are in a relationship without any conversation or communication will simply set you up for failure.  After all when you are dating you are SINGLE.

Relationships

A Relationship comes AFTER dating, AFTER getting to know someone for a period of time.  How can you decide you want to be exclusive with someone if you don’t even know him or her? If you’ve only been dating for short period of time then you’ve probably only seen them at their best. I would suggest investing a little more time with a person before jumping into a relationship. And please remember you cannot assume you are in an exclusive relationship with someone unless you’ve had a cleat discussion about it. Once you have this discussion, you are no longer single.

I’ve written all of this in hopes that it will prevent any impending confusion or hurt feelings. If you insist on “hooking up” go in with NO EXPECTATIONS…literally NONE. You really can’t expect much from strangers. If you plan on dating, do just and be honest about it. And if you want to be in a relationship please know that you cannot conduct yourself in as if you are single.

 

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxo

Perhaps, Just Maybe, You Are Doing Too Much

These days people use the word "thirsty" to describe someone who is coated in desperation. This parched individual will go to great lengths for recognition. They spend a great deal of time plotting and scheming in an attempt to capture the prized panties or drawers. Now normally I don't condone using the term thirsty. I personally live for a reliable man. (For example, there is something about Jake from Scandal that does it for me. Perhaps it's because he actually killed someone for Liv, meanwhile all Fitz does is whine, cry and stay married -_-) Anyways, though you may have the best intentions in the world, your actions are quite possibly thirsty, if you are throwing all of your attention on to someone who does not welcome it.

I was thinking about this because of a incident that occurred some Saturdays ago. I'd risen early to go to the Post Office, visiting USPS is like descending into the eighth circle of hell, I should have known no good would come of it. As I headed back to my building shades on, earphones in, Starbucks in hand I heard someone say "HEY THERE!". Now the sunglasses and headphones typically serve as foolish negro repellent. However, due to my traumatic experience at the post office I was off my game. Befuddled I looked up at a buttery yellow smile. My senses were assaulted by the smell of stale cigarettes and moonshine. The fool then proceeded to ask if I was was walking far. I mumbled that I was, and he then rudely took it upon himself to gesture like he would be escorting me. I promptly informed him that I was not interested and began to briskly walk away. To my utter horror the clown bellowed "Are you running away from me?!"

You know that moment when your gut tells you to be on HIGH ALERT. Well that moment happened for me just then. There was something really off about the brother (more off than the fact that his teeth were the color of big bird). I sprinted into the nearest deli and hid behind the shelves. I'd passed up my apartment building  because obviously I didn't want this psycho to know where I lived. After several minutes of hiding behind a large gentleman and calming myself with a Diet Peach Snapple I cautiously made my way home.

As I'm sure you can tell  this man was doing WAAY to much. (Also I'm convinced that he was a serial killer). He was disgusting and overly enthusiastic.

This foolery got me to thinking about how we act in our dating lives. It's very simple really,  if someone is interested in you I'm quite certain that you will have some indication. If they aren't interested you will also know. People have the same 24 hours in the day that you do. If they are interested they will make time, they generally won't run in horror in the other direction, they won't ignore you or treat you poorly. There is no reason to continue to force yourself into their lives when you are so obviously unwanted.

Case in point, a couple of months ago I went out with a guy (ONE TIME). It was a lackluster experience, as many first dates are. He then proceeded to blow me up, acting like we would be married by the summer time. Sir, I don't know you, there is no reason why we need to speak at length every day. He even had the nerve to comment on how expensive dating is. (While I agree, no one told you to date if you can't afford it.) Obviously I thought he was creepy and ridiculous and I finally had to hit him with the "you're a nice guy but..." text.

Desperation is a sickness.  People that want to use you can smell in from miles away. Others who want nothing from you, will look at you in disgust and plot the most swift and safe exit. Once again I live for consistency and reliability but ONLY if the interest is mutual. If you are asking a woman who you just met why you are the only one initiating contact (which you do EVERY SINGLE DAY. Listen anyone can send a generic ass Good Morning text I'm unimpressed),perhaps,  just maybe you are doing too much.

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxo

Giving the Side Eye to Side Kids

Girl, I Can't!

"If you want to be single, be single. If you want to be in a relationship, understand that you can not conduct yourself as if you are single, or you will be single again" - Demetria Lucas

Ever since that story dropped about a certain athlete and his "side baby" I've been waiting to write about this subject. Since then, other reports have arisen about other celebrities and I constantly hear of the same nonsense on relationship blogs. The newest report on a side baby is about a certain rapper and his wife who have a full ass TV show about their family. (Reports have yet to be confirmed.)

Let me first say that if the situations were reversed in ANY of these stories (if a certain actress had gotten pregnant by another man while on a "break" with her bf), or if any of the women involved in these stories had gotten pregnant by a man she wasn't in a relationship  with she would have been dragged by her edges around the world. Men everywhere would have called her every foul name they could think of. (Think about it, people have being calling BEY, a married woman with a child, "Whore Beyoncé" since her new album dropped). Let me also say that "breaks" are bullshit. either you are in  relationship or you aren't in my opinion its very simple, people just make ish complicated. I'm not above believing that this whole "break" garbage was invented as a cover up in order that both parties may save a bit of face. 

But here's the thing sis, none of the men involved in these situations are acting like they've done anything wrong. Yes,  everyone makes mistakes but chile this is a moral failing. Not only are you completely disrespectful and carrying on long deceits, you are putting others physical and emotional health at risk.  It has been my experience that men who strap up ALWAYS strap up and men who don't always try and find an excuse not to. Clearly there is no latex shortage if you are in fact too weak-willed to be faithful. It is the VERY LEAST you can do if you're gonna step out.

My question then becomes why be in a relationship? Why get married? Why not be like certain A-List actors who have entire fleets of supermodels lounging about on their yachts? Ain't nobody MAD at that. If you're not about that monogamy life then by all means. DON'T  BE ABOUT IT!. If you pretend that marriage and monogamy is what you want then,  it literally becomes what my bestie proclaimed as " an elaborate scheme to humiliate your wife/girlfriend/partner". The other side of this is that they're are children involved. (Children model what they SEE not necessarily what they are TOLD.)

What kills me is that often times these men want to boast about what good fathers they are and how they take care of their kids and so forth. (Honestly I'm not here for giving praise to people who do what they're suppose to do. It's just like when my daddy didn't see it for celebrating my high school graduation LOL). But back to these kids, so you're such a good parent but this is the life you choose to show your children. You show your boys that they can treat women like disposable Kleenex and you choose to show your daughters that men can treat them any old raggedy kind of way and their suppose to just accept it.

I don't care what anyone says, as a person coming from a home of "divorce" a lot of how I behave in relationships is patterned off of both my parent's relationship and how my relationship was with my father. Some of those bad habits are so deeply ingrained that it took me awhile to recognize them and its a battle every day to break the bad habits.

Still, there are two sides to every coin so I'll take these moment to address the women who find themselves in these horrific situations. My bestie told me, "Women are selling themselves short and its disgusting". (How women conduct themselves on reality shows is not helping and its nothing that you should be modeling your behavior after.) 

First to the "other woman" who finds herself pregnant and an unwelcome third party in someone else's relationship. I'll never understand women who go after someone else man its, weak minded an disgusting. Is this your end game, to be at the end of someone's list, to be a thorn in someone's backside? That's really what you're on? That's how you want to raise your children. If its money that you're seeking can you at least get with someone whose single? (Or better still how about you hustle with something other than your uterus?) I realize that everyone isn't raised in households where they see positive, loving relationships so that idea of one may be farfetched. However,the entire series of The Cosby Show is on Amazon for $250, that's a better investment than some raggedy negro who barely has a grasp on the English language. If that's too expensive I suggest you gather a collection of romance novels to get some inkling of how you should be treated because after all you are a woman phenomenally (NOTE: Olivia Pope & Mary Jane are fictional character, they are for entertainment, this is not real life. Even still, they spend a great deal of time looking silly and ridiculous). 

Now for the women who thought they were in loving and committed relationships. It's your life do what you want but what that being said, something like a "side baby" really shows the true character (or lack thereof) of a man. And as Queen Oprah tells us, "Once someone shows you who they are believe them". Yes you may love them but they obviously don't love you. I've never humiliated or intentionally disrespected anyone that I loved. I've had two men humiliate and disrespect me in my life and that was more than enough. At some point you have to look at yourself and ask why you're accepting that. You have to love yourself more than you love anyone else. This is why its so important to have standards. (I've learned that I may not have a large number of men coming by way but its about quality for me. It may sound harsh but I turned down a second date with a man who didn't walk me the two blocks to the train after our date very late one evening. Obviously that wasn't the only red flag I saw that night but it was enough for me not to want to see him again).

I get that people are afraid to be single, to be "alone" trust me I've been there. There are times now when I'm over it, but then I think back to my last relationship to the times were I was unhappy or disappointed and I grin to myself with delight because I may be bored but I'm not irritated or upset.

All of this is just to say that in my book "side children" are ALWAYS a deal breaker. The level of disrespect is daunting. Its very foul that these men try and act like what they did was ok and that women should just accept it or that its normal.  Well this woman CAN'T & WON'T. I know that some people will suggest that I should just keep on living and I plan to do just that. But know this I will never see it for a man who not only cheats on me which is horrific enough but who has the audacity to produce a child out of the indiscretion.

SMH

xoxox Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxo

Reading Old Broads for Filth (Or A Day In the Life of This Chocolate Girl)

So yesterday was probably one of the hardest days I've had in a while. (It ended up fine :)). I'm usually a rather optimistic person but due to some psychotic old hags who refuse to stay in their lane and away from me and mine, it was quite trying for several hours. Here's what Occurred:

So grad school isn't really difficult for me, but the amount of work is a trashy bastard. I'm exhausted all the time and it just seems to take me a minute to get focused. Anyway, Tuesday night I stayed up really late putting together a two hour presentation that I had to deliver the next day. When I arrived to work yesterday morning I realized that I had neglected to email it to myself. I let a tear drop, pulled myself together and informed my boss that I needed to run home (I only live 20 mins away thank GOD) to retrieve my assignment.

On my way back to work/campus, my cousin texted me asking me when was the last time I had talked to my father. I informed her I had spoken to him Sunday afternoon, and then I put my phone away nothing thinking much of it. I headed back to my desk and a few minutes later my cousin calls me.

I answered the phone and she informed by that my sister was also on the line. Obviously, this sent me into a full blown panic. In the last two years I've had more horrific and devastating news delivered to me via phone than any person should have in a lifetime.

(I'll take this point to give some quick background. My mama worked with this lady for years and years. We shall call her  Willamina. Now Willamina stays in somebody else's business, but she and my mom were cool for years. To be honest I really don't know why because when my mama got pregnant with me Willamina refused to speak to her because she loves to be the center of attention. As I grown up I realize she is juse generally a complete fool. Anywhoo toward the end of my Mama's life I guess my mom finally decided she didn't have time for it anymore and I really heaven't heard from the woman but maybe once since my mom passed two years ago. Now there's a second woman, we'll call her Betsey, she was my Mama's best friend in high school and college. I never had any issues with her until she told my sister the day after my Mama died that her behavior wasn't any type of way to remember my Mama....Needless to say she's been excommunicated as well. Mind you if I saw or spoke to either of these women I would never be disrespectful, but as I've stated I've barely seen or heard from either, nor do I have any desire to).

Now let's get back into the story, my cousin get quiet on the phone and she says I want ya'll to hear this from me. She says that Willamina had seen one of my Daddy's neighbors over the weekend and supposedly the neighbor told her that my Daddy had passed away over the weekend. Instead of coming straight to the source (ie: my sister or myself), Willamina decides to be an extra special flavor of tea an sends an EMAIL to Betsey (who lives across the country) asking her what she knew. Betsey then, thought it would be cute to call my auntie who lives in Florida who then calls my other aunties who then call my cousin who tries to call my father and when he doesn't answer calls my sister and myself. (Do you see how ish spirals out of control??!!)

Sister and I are both panicking and about 10 people start frantically trying to reach my father . After 20 minutes of my world stopping, my sister texts and says that she's spoken to him. My Daddy calls me shortly thereafter. The poor man was obliviously befuddled because he was in the middle of teaching when his phone went off about twenty thousand times. (His IPhone has the most annoying ring of life and I doubt he knows how to put it on silent) Obviously someone had explained the situation to him because when I pick up my phone he states laughing, "I'm not dead yet". (Sigh, Bless his heart)

Of course this is the day that I just so happen to have a doctor's appointment after work and my two hour presentation :/ I get to the doctor's office and of course I'm emotionally exhausted (it's only 5pm) so I burst into tears when my doctor asks me if I smoke cigarettes. SMH

After my appointment I slink out of the doctor's office dragging my dignity behind me and head to the gym for a quick and pungent 2.5 mile run. Obviously because I am who I am, I slip on the treadmill as I'm warming up. But whateves I still got my cardio in.

As I stumble down Lenox Ave headed home, I'm pondering a hot bath and a smooth glass of wine to drown in the foolery of my life. But alas, Life is a funny funny thing. I look up to see a grown ass man in a purple velour capri pant onesie and I scream with laughter all the way home.

Moral of the story: Please stay in your lane and mind your business. You never know how stirring up some ish for your personal entertainment will effect others.  I learn everyday that life ain't know crystal stair but it surely has a sense of humor.

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xxoxoxoxox Almost Friday :)

So When Are You Gonna Take Me Out?

"if the Dog from Lady and the Tramp had his bi*** eating Italian, a grown ass man can afford to take you out of the neighborhood."-Black Girls Are Easy

So I'm not gonna sit here and lie like, I've never been the come over and chill girl. Luckily, it was at one point in my life when I was 18 and dating this dude that wasn't worth the lint in my belly button so I was able to figure out that life wasn't for me pretty early in life. I've never been the type of girl to feel like I needed a dude or even attention from a dude. I'm not gonna front and act like I don't like it because obviously everyone wants to know that someone is attracted to them or interested in them. After that "relationship" FINALLY ended I didn't talk to a dude for well over six months. And when I did, I talked to this dude who took me out, cooked for me and who was tryna see me everyday. Now it lasted about a summer before we both got annoyed with each other, I was headed back to NYC and I guess he was tired of putting in work without... well you know. But whatever, I was going through some things and I had other things on my mind. That was two summers ago and I haven't been on a date since him. (Aside from this dry ass dude who took me out to dinner in October and who was so dull I nearly fell asleep at the table.)  Dating that last dude taught me a valuable lesson, if a 21 year old college dude can wine and dine me, that a grown ass man surely can. There is no excuse in the world that I should accept. I've had dudes try to play me when they got my number asking me to come over, so on an so forth. Once I politely suggested going out, some never spoke to me again  and one ignorant negro even suggested that if we were gonna go out then I'd have to pay my own way. As I've said previously, I can always take myself out and I do quite often, so why then should I sit through some dull ass conversation with a stingy ignorant mf, when I still have to pay my own way. SMH.  Obviously I would love a companion, my Love Jones DVD is quite run down and there's only so many times I can sit at home with my Daddy and watch PBS renditions of Pride and Prejudice. I have enough time most evening to paint my nails a variety of different colors and catch up on several episodes of tv. But these past two years I've realized that I'm fairly comfortable just doing me. I refuse to be pressed just lending my time out to any ninja that looks my way. All I know is the next time I'm frustrated or upset with some dude, its not gonna be because I'm all dressed up sitting on his couch eating some stale Wendy's while he's playing his playstation. SMH. As for right now, I'm planning my August trip to Jamaica, apartment hunting and saving my money for my 2013 trip to Paris. As usual, @8plus9 says it better than I ever could: Dating vs. Come Over and Chill

xoxox Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxo PS. Even Alfalfa put in work