At The Edge Of The Year

On winter days just after the holiday season has come to a close I find myself

alone, braless with bare feet,

invitations to brunch turned down, relationships ended.

My shea butter coated arms elbow deep in scalding hot water as coffee brews in the background.

I stand over the sink, scrubbing my breakfast dishes, the window cracked just slightly billowing in gusts of frigid air,

I smile, and I think to myself; there she is; that woman you thought you'd left behind.

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxo

Autumn

Autumn has always felt like the end of the year to me, much more so than January 1st. The cool air brushes against your skin jolting you awake from a long warm daydream, sweeping away the summer's heat from your memory; forcing you to focus on the here and now. It's a new beginning.

Last autumn, I was picking up the pieces of my dignity, and scraping together my self esteem.  (In my work life anyway. I wouldn't call it my career.) I left a job that seemed to be crushing my sprint, for another that would help me pass the time. 365 days seems like a life time ago now. It's my 3rd fall with Daddy gone, and my 6th without Mama. Sometimes on random days as I walk down cracked New York sidewalks, phone in one hand and coffee in the other, I choke on my tears, the wound is still raw, bloody even; the band-aid I slap over it just seems to last for longer stretches. Time is for coping I suppose.

This past spring, I discovered what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm doing it full steam ahead, passionately and joyfully. And yet, as I close my eyes most evenings, asleep sometimes before I can even burrow under the cocoon of my covers, I have doubts. So many fears and questions. My skin is too thin, I crack too easily. I haven't yet found the courage to read the comments under my work. A misspelled word or a strongly worded opinion feels like being taunted on the playground again. I tell myself constantly that I'm not the best. My words don't flow as eloquently as hers and my grammar certainly isn't on point like his. But I'm doing and showing and proving. I'm writing and that's what matters. (Or maybe I call my little sister up for the billionth time in a week and she tells me this.)

If the leaves slipping from the trees marks the beginning of things,  then it's been an interesting year. I've grown... I think. But this year, I've watched people I love and adore lose so much. Too much. Being on the other side of grief is crippling. You understand, but really how could u? What you've gone thru isn't the same. I've awkwardly offered my condolence and my support but it's never enough, just the bitter choking helplessness of watching others suffer.

I've loved wholly and fully, diving in headfirst into new adventures. I've wrapped myself completely in another person and I've felt calm. That same peacefulness that you find in a sunset in late spring over the water. But then, the uncertainly crept in the, doubts and fears and the desire to run. To seek out something... I'm not sure what yet. I'm still trying to figure that out.

On Saturday I went for a walk. As the light rain sprinkled on my face, it occurred to me that in the last few months, I've spent a great deal of time with others. I'm used to being alone. I've always enjoyed my own company, the time spent thinking and pondering, listening to music. People are fantastic, but I often find my thoughts clouded when I'm surrounded by them, or even by one.

Autumn is fascinating, this nearly perfect season of second chances... It forces you to find yourself again.

xoxox Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox

Image: Giphy

Do You Feel Me?

Ever since I finished grad school this time last year, I feel like I’ve been going through a twenty-something life crisis.  2014 was the year that I was supposed to begin “Saying No Others and Yes to Myself.” It was a certainly a difficult lesson to learn. The year started off with quite the bang, thrusting me in the midst of confrontation; a place where I feel most uncomfortable. And yet it ended quietly, with a cup of tea and a good book. Overall. it was a crazy year; full of a lot of tears, a lot of first dates and about fifteen extra pounds.

So what’s happening now? I’m currently on my third job and in many ways I’m not closer to really understanding what it is I want to do. All I seemed to be able to do was figure out the things that I despise. I left my first job after 5 weeks because in my opinion it wasn’t worth the time or energy it took to get up in the morning and go to such a shitastic environment. My second job lasted through the summer and ended with me seeing a therapist regularly. (Lesson learned, if a job is making you feel this way LEAVE, nothing is worth it.)

Now I’m in an environment I like with a position that isn’t quite what I want but overall I’m happy.  I’m getting more opportunities to do the things that I LOVE, I’m already 10lbs lighter than I was at Christmas, and I’ve got some AMAZING travel plans locked down for 2015.

Despite all of this, I still feel unsettled. I feel like I should be doing more, or better or something.  I loathe whiners so I really try not to complain but I feel like this can’t be it right? This can’t be all there is to life.

There is this huge divide between the millennial generation and the generations that have come before us.  Perhaps this is a bit vain to say but fuck it, I’ve personally done everything right. I went to the right schools from high school to grad. I did the right internships and tried to toe the line. But to what end? Getting that job, one that you’re excited to wake up to go to every morning, the one that centers you and gives you purpose and drive seems so out of reach. (Or perhaps its not so out of reach but it won’t pay your rent of your student loans.) There is something profoundly humbling about clutching on to an Ivy League diploma, sending out resume after resume to no avail. 

I think expressing these feelings has been the hardest for me. My sister and other people my age seem to get it, but when I reach up and reach out to the older and the wiser I’m unusually met with. “That’s Life.”  Period, Full sentence. No further explanation needed.

When I hear this I feel rebellious. It’s that same rebellion that got me to constantly defy my mother when I was sixteen and in my first relationship.  “Whose life?!!!” I think.  Literally the thought of this being “life” makes me want to run away and never return. The monotony of office work for the next thirty plus is paralyzing to me. (But then again I am known for my dramatics.) I realize this is what people do, but dare I ask, if you saw another option wouldn’t you have grasped the opportunity and held on tight when it presented itself?

I really don’t know all the answers. I do know what feels right to me and I’m going to go with that. After all, I’ve been doing “everything right” up until this point I think now is the time to take some chances.

Do you feel me?

Xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox