PSA: This post is gonna air some of my dirty laundry so if you feel some type of way about that please exit now:)
When I was younger, like most people I guess, it never occurred to me that my parents had lives before I existed. It took awhile for it to seep in that my mama had some thirty plus years of life before she popped me out and my dad had some forty plus years. Now if you know me, or have read some of my previous blog posts then you know that my mom passed away from breast cancer about a year and a half ago. Its very strange to go on making your way into this world when you no longer have a pillar, that one person who would have been there for you no matter what, its haunting. But alas, my sister and I are still here and still making our way so I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one.
Luckily my dad is still with us, its strange though because like a number of people, I did not bond with my dad in the same way that I did with my mother. He was always more of an illusion to me then an actual human being. A forty-two year gap between yourself and your parent is a huge age difference, especially when that person has come from a background so foreign from your own that its difficult to see his point of view and even more difficult for him to see yours.
This post is not meant to bash my father in anyway, he is who he is and I have to just continue to remind myself that that is never going to change. Its strange because I constantly tell one of my good friends that he doesn't have to live his life based on his parents ways of thinking and their principles and ideas. Parents are suppose to guide you, however, a lot of times because they've grown up in such a different time and space, what they've done in their lives or the things that they believe are not always right for you. ( Anyway I can guarantee that the is A LOT you don't know about them, and A LOT that may shock you) That's something that I'm struggling with. I remember in my teen years battling with my mom about same sex marriage and how I felt that everyone had a right to marry whom they wanted to, or even about the boy that I dated who was three years older, or driving, or staying out later or even moving to New York by myself. Despite her best intentions, I felt that she acted irrationally at times because of the way she was raised and being her first born, I raged back against her, being defiant at times and really sticking to what I felt was right in my heart. Its strange when you realize that your parents aren't perfect, that they are human beings like the rest of us. (She did eventually come around in some of the areas)
My brother told me when my mother died that I had to stop fighting a battle that I wouldn't win, that battle was between my parents. But that's hard because of what I've seen and heard, their is still hurt and resentment there. Its also strange because I'm the type of person who can and will take a lot of crap and who really doesn't want to turn my back on people despite any pain that they may have caused me or the people that I love the most. Since my final semester of college is about to begin in the next two weeks, I'm really trying to start figuring out where it is that I want to be post grad. I'm considering staying in New York and also coming home back to the Chi. I've even considered moving back home with my dad.
After talking to my sister and my cousins about it though, I think that moving back in may not be the best option for me emotionally despite the fact that I want to be a help to my father. However, sometimes no matter how hard it is, you have to do what is best for you. At a certain point, no matter how close you are with your parents, it may be healthier for everyone to have a space of their own.
I haven't one hundred percent made a final decision yet but I do know that where ever I go, I'll go with all my heart
xoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxox
